Hi hope you all had a good day.

Interesting thing happened today. I was “wrestling” with God going back and forth, on things that have been going on and questioning his existence. I tend to go there…often when I cast my frustrations on him. It’s not something I have come to fully understand. Part of me, wants the burning bush to appear before my eyes to believe, or I even go to the extent of throwing Gideon and other people from the Bible (I didn’t do that today but I have).

It boils down to ” look father I have things in my heart that weight heavy on me, hurts I’m trying to let go and promises I feel you placed in my heart that have not yet to be, and I am waiting for my heart to understand and heal. I say look at my heart and change what you want. To be the man you want me to be”

That last part look at my heart and change what you don’t like, I started adding that when I pray, a few months ago. I learned that you can’t change people you change your self and it is by that that your change can affect the people who you are wanting change from.

No, it doesn’t always change them, but since you made the change you feel satisfied that you did what you could and we’re trusted to do it to your human potential.

I was reminded of “look at my heart and change what you don’t like”. There was a wheel of cheese. I had no use for it at the moment and the outer Rhine had hardened. I asked someone if they could use it for their prep today, instead of throwing it away. As I kept prepping my food, I over heard the the guy who took the cheese say oh the outer Rhine got all hard. As I passed by him a few minutes later I notice he had cubed the wheel of cheese. Joking around I told him ahh clever, we laugh but then he said yeah I took all the hard and ugly parts I didn’t like and just kept the center now it’s Good.

That’s when I was reminded about “Lord look at my heart and take what you don’t like change me to your liking” the guy had to cut, process remove, the ugly and then he got the results he wanted.

We could have just thrown it out and used something new. But no there value there worth there’s something good to be enjoyed.

I think, asking God for that I really need to trust him, I feel different not like the person I was. If you read other post I have made I have said I have a solid foundation now thanks to God and because of God. Meaning I felt “I knew what I needed” but my foundation crumbled I had a void in me. Now I feel that void full, and I am walking on his solid ground, and actually that feels kinda nice (I just read that sentence over and it made me smile, yep solid ground feels nice).

These post for me are my reminder to ignite that trust and build upon it. I know I struggle in my relationship with God and I am not going to keep saying it’s because I’m new and it’s been three year since I started my walk, I think now I’m making the shift from it’s been three year that I just started a relationship with God to. I am now walking on solid ground with God I stumble but hold on to him for support.

Have good day everyone.

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This is for you, in your deepest of thoughts of the many untrue things you think of for yourself.

First know that all the things you are starting to believe that bring what little hope of yours to almost nothing: Are not true.

I had this whole heart felt post I wanted to give you.

But, I just thought of how I feel when things are just at their worse. I didn’t even want to read or think.

So… I know..I know I see you, I wish that maybe I could offer a hug as small of a thing that is. Now just think that this not the last stop. If there’s no one around read this and think that I am there listening. sometimes my people we don’t even have words. Pick your self up from where ever you are. And know it’s ok to just let it out. Don’t think on things that belittle you it’s just lies. Instead think about mufasa telling you rember who you are. Think about the new changes your are eager to undertake. Even if that is to change the color of your bed spread. Seriously think about the oddest things. Guys/girls even if you lay one under think of how bad that smelled but who care your by yourself then laugh it out say oh yeah that’s fault and laugh more. Eat ginourmous( spelled that wrong for sure) bowl of cereal. Talk to your self as if your taking care of your kid self love it because its you. I was letting things bring me down a little bit ago but I made my self laugh, oh well things aren’t always how I thought or want. I rather move ahead than stay in the desolate spot and it’s odd hearing my self say that when knowing very well been rolled up in ball felt vulnerable and wanting to be cared for wanting things to be how they were but it didn’t. And some how i am here now writing telling you to fart and laugh. Wow. I just wrote that. We’re not done remember that.

Hey, how are you today?

I want to take a few minutes of your time. I know that things might just be in turmoil. Or you are just in this place you can’t snap out. You’re your own barrier and I know that’s hard to hear let alone understand. Some might say well “no shit Sherlock” if I could snap out of it I’d done it long ago. And I know that. there’s times where I am there and these little pep talks only go so long. But right now no I don’t have a 12 step program to give you, and make you a promise that do this and it will all be better.

However today as I was scrolling through pictures of my kids some pictures had them outrageously smiling. I smiled at the pictures. Somehow I ended up looking at a picture of me smiling. I said to my self wow I look genuinely happy there, and yes this was a picture after separation/divorce and been alone, I was with my kids. Yet in this picture I was smiling with life in me if that makes sense.

I thought of things I have read and things I have said, pertaining to this well smiling at your self to be precise.

Trust me I thought it was silly as heck and I have not done so and when I have (once or twice) it was mockingly as to say this is so stupid. I felt like a half zombie trying to smile it was not a good night let alone not good feeling because I didn’t feel what the smile reflected back at me.

Like someone giving you a pity smile and you know it. And it more hurtful than Good. But really it’s YOU, how can you be hurtful towards your self when you are who you need the most now.

Right now, everything might not make sense. But as I saw that picture of me I want to feel like I looked happy and I thought why not what do I have to lose to just smile at my self.

Don’t make it chore don’t make it a must do thing in a list. But keep it in your mind when you’re getting ready for work just give your self a warm genuine smile. You don’t need a purpose. You don’t need a matra (your this and that blah blah blah) just give your self a warm genuine smile as if you would someone you know. You don’t need timing you don’t need purpose when ever you catch your self and you see the reflection keep it in the back of your mind smile at your self no reason but a big legit smile not fake not exaggerating you know yourself you know that smile you give when you care. Do for you.

Hey how is everyone?

As I write this, I think will I ever be able to fully accept God.

I think of how inspired some of the people I have set sight on to use as guide’s In my journey to discover God. And I think about excuses to tell myself to either mend or justify why I can’t see him (god) as they do.

From about 11yr old I remember not feeling anything for God, as he was explained to me and forced on me by going to church and following doctrine. I just felt my Sunday was robbed and worse Saturday too as I had to go to Saturday school for Communion. I felt nothing. I was around 12yr old that I said no and argued enough with my parents that they could not force me to go to church any longer. By that I mean that yeah I would rather take an ass whooping and if i was still forced to go: act out at church and take another whooping. But my parents did no such thing, they saw my conviction and to the extent I would go to just not attend. They stopped. Throughout the years up until just three years ago I had no real relationship with God. I picked up a bunch occult an esoteric knowledge that helped me argue against God.

Many, many, many events happened in my life during that time that. I can flat out say on a few occasions… I did in fact cried out to God In Shear desperation, yet none of what I asked for happened.

If you can’t tell that by that it only strengthen my own beliefs that God was not there.

Why am I writing this today? Because today and yesterday, And the day before yesterday a thought in my head has been poking at me subtle and then at times the poke is a stab and then is an open wound that needs to be taken care of. How?

I found myself searching the world wide web: “when you are losing faith and trust in God” and “I don’t trust God”

I feel it heavy in my heart. Doubt that any of this matters. A suspicion that In The end there is no God. That the changes in my life are for nothing.

AND THERE IT IS…

that despite me feeling that none of this matter because what I have asked of this man has not come to be. The words “the changes in my life” as I wrote them in the above passage; Are changes that have changed my life and changes that like me at 11-12 years old had conviction of renouncing God these changes have conviction to not let me fall to how I used to be.

I’ve always felt an emptiness in me. I would find ways to fill it up despite how at times things seem to be good. Something was always missing.

I have a solid foundation now, I thought I did before because I would do with the advice older and smart people would give. From marriage advice to jobs, to kids. I listened to everything I felt benefit me and my family. It would fall apart.

I built on sand. And the waves would break it apart.

I am reminded, That I am not like before. That he (God) has taught to build on bedrock. That my mind understands that a string of three is stronger than two or one that I can apply this to my life. That I am a respectful human being. That I have morals that I did not before. That I have the right kind of pride and can acknowledge when prideful is hurting myself and others. That I am aware that I can take time to turn the other cheek. That I can walk away peacefully. That I now have the courage to see people with compassion when they are hard to deal with. Things that I didn’t understand before. A new start.

And for that I am grateful. I needed a reminder that I don’t see the thing I have asked for but I see the changes in me that for lack of words “altered your DNA”.

I like the person God has/is/going/will changed me to be.

Today, I have been struggling. There’s many thoughts in me that I am anxious, irritable, sad, discouraged. It spirals out of control and I cannot get a hold of my self. I wonder why, why am I going through this. I think of things that have happened and how I tried to fix it. Now since I got more perspective I also think of things that I cause that were wrong. I think of a lot and I try to figure out so much.

I am sitting in the sauna at my local gym Writting this and I just thought? What outcome can I change now or do I hope to change. It has already pass it has been a long time. I have not got the closure I felt I need. I did not get the healing I hoped for. And my heart still hurts my heart always holds love for that person, though admittedly it’s followed by a Bit of anger because I don’t understand why.

Today, feel like other times where I reached a limit. yet, I noticed that I have been here before. I pep my self up, some self encouragement and a quick exchange of words with God along the lines of, _ lord, I leave it at your feet allow me to move forward allow me to forgive to forget and the courage to move forward”. This is not the first time I have said that and is like a pattern.

I wanted to address the labels we place and how many of us here end up reading a lot of the same things from; defining what category we place a person, to the type of relationship we had, to where we place each other. Today I am just not having it. Narcissist, cheater, gaslighting, toxic relationship, enabeler, giver, prayers… everything, I AM JUST TIRED.

I see my face, I struggle to recognize the person I am looking at. When I see my image I see my worries, my problems, my broken dreams. I see my eyes blinded by reels of made up scenes where the person I was with shows no remorse and living their life like nothing.

They say cigarettes take away years from your life I feel the same effects now in my current position.

Not everything you learn will benefit you specifically. But there’s those pieces of knowledge that are just what you need. I write because I needed and outlet I write because maybe someone is in the same boat and needed to just relate even if its on one thing.

So here it is, for me for you:

We can’t know if what your thinking is true or not regarding the other person. Yes, it hurts and maybe I feel the heart is doing it because the sooner it gets rid of the Pain the sooner it heals. Just like when you’re sick the reason we shut down with symptoms is because your body sends all of it’s resources to fight the source sickness so the other parts take a while. The body goes to where it is needed the most. Right now it’s your heart so me personally I like to think that the reason it sometimes triggers or allows such thoughts is to eventually get you away. Many of you have heard the Infamous don’t touch the stove it’s hot you can get burn as a kid and when you do get burn you don’t touch it anymore. this is an old way of thinking but old or not just take it for what it is. The heart keeps warning you. You feel the heart ache at these thoughts or even if you happen to have actual interaction. The heart hopes soon you will realize, “hey, that hurts a lot maybe I won’t go that way”.

I know each of us have different situation that lead up to this point. I’m not here taking any stance from men or women as some help is directed to specific sex.

No, what I do know is that same feeling you felt In Your heart when you heard the things that hurt you more than anything. The pain you felt in your chest the confusion and an anger the desperation or humiliation. The Knott in your throat. The not knowing what, why. The all of sudden “hey, ok we can do this and that” to mend it as if in one instance you came up with a plan to save what your heart held dear out pure desperation and love and fear.

I am saying this because in my mind I am thinking of me when I remembered this. Not because I want to. Just that sometimes I have an off day and I am human and I hurt too. And I hope that you know that you are not alone. And as I mentioned we search and read but even though I get tired of reading and praying the only thing that I feel can eases me In a way that I can express my frustrations and hurts, ironically is prayer.

“Father it weird to pray in a manner where I ask to cover for people who are in the same situation as me, meaning in deep hurt and feel many types of emotion. Truth be told I feel fake asking, part of me feels doubt part me feels well you haven’t bother to help me and I am here trying to ask for me and others. I do know that feeling like this is not ok that I have read enough to know when someones spirit is crushed. That there is numbness that you can get away from. That you don’t care enough if you wake up or not. That we can’t understand what in the world it means you are sovereign. That hearing of your will be done and relating that to what has happened I can’t understand you Father. I am thinking of people just sitting in their couch or bed just sitting as I am now, a blank stare some forcing them self to get up an go because that’s what they have been told, and have but after a bit they crash down. I ask father what are you doing Lord. Many are here in this spot awaiting a sign a word, healing. Now I don’t have the strength, but I have seen me in better days strengthen in you by you. I have manage to pick up your word and felt a new life outlook given to me. I know now that I have to build on solid foundation and not sand and this I speak for myself because I don’t know what others trials might be. But I do ask that you see that you see their hearts that you in your ways give them the hope to see you because right now they see hurt. That you Lord personally embrace us not direct us to reading not to say I have it working for your good but that at this moment what we need most is that you see we are hurting that you acknowledge there’s pain. With that being said that you give us the hope to believe. To have faith to have strength to know hey I’m hurting now but I’m not always and I have god to remind me that he gives me strength. How some might ask where is the strength where is the faith where is this hope because I am broken I look at me I have nothing left. And I understand that more than anything, so listen when I started writing this post I was feeling very down but knowing that in my own weird way and style of prayer am asking God to take notice of us to give you something to hold on too, kinda makes me feel better. Hold on don’t give up things hurt but hang on know that your pain and hurts right know suck and you’re not alone though it feels like it. use this to talk to me to God to a friend let it out . thank you Father amen”

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