Today, I have been struggling. There’s many thoughts in me that I am anxious, irritable, sad, discouraged. It spirals out of control and I cannot get a hold of my self. I wonder why, why am I going through this. I think of things that have happened and how I tried to fix it. Now since I got more perspective I also think of things that I cause that were wrong. I think of a lot and I try to figure out so much.
I am sitting in the sauna at my local gym Writting this and I just thought? What outcome can I change now or do I hope to change. It has already pass it has been a long time. I have not got the closure I felt I need. I did not get the healing I hoped for. And my heart still hurts my heart always holds love for that person, though admittedly it’s followed by a Bit of anger because I don’t understand why.
Today, feel like other times where I reached a limit. yet, I noticed that I have been here before. I pep my self up, some self encouragement and a quick exchange of words with God along the lines of, _ lord, I leave it at your feet allow me to move forward allow me to forgive to forget and the courage to move forward”. This is not the first time I have said that and is like a pattern.
I wanted to address the labels we place and how many of us here end up reading a lot of the same things from; defining what category we place a person, to the type of relationship we had, to where we place each other. Today I am just not having it. Narcissist, cheater, gaslighting, toxic relationship, enabeler, giver, prayers… everything, I AM JUST TIRED.
I see my face, I struggle to recognize the person I am looking at. When I see my image I see my worries, my problems, my broken dreams. I see my eyes blinded by reels of made up scenes where the person I was with shows no remorse and living their life like nothing.
They say cigarettes take away years from your life I feel the same effects now in my current position.
Not everything you learn will benefit you specifically. But there’s those pieces of knowledge that are just what you need. I write because I needed and outlet I write because maybe someone is in the same boat and needed to just relate even if its on one thing.
So here it is, for me for you:
We can’t know if what your thinking is true or not regarding the other person. Yes, it hurts and maybe I feel the heart is doing it because the sooner it gets rid of the Pain the sooner it heals. Just like when you’re sick the reason we shut down with symptoms is because your body sends all of it’s resources to fight the source sickness so the other parts take a while. The body goes to where it is needed the most. Right now it’s your heart so me personally I like to think that the reason it sometimes triggers or allows such thoughts is to eventually get you away. Many of you have heard the Infamous don’t touch the stove it’s hot you can get burn as a kid and when you do get burn you don’t touch it anymore. this is an old way of thinking but old or not just take it for what it is. The heart keeps warning you. You feel the heart ache at these thoughts or even if you happen to have actual interaction. The heart hopes soon you will realize, “hey, that hurts a lot maybe I won’t go that way”.
I know each of us have different situation that lead up to this point. I’m not here taking any stance from men or women as some help is directed to specific sex.
No, what I do know is that same feeling you felt In Your heart when you heard the things that hurt you more than anything. The pain you felt in your chest the confusion and an anger the desperation or humiliation. The Knott in your throat. The not knowing what, why. The all of sudden “hey, ok we can do this and that” to mend it as if in one instance you came up with a plan to save what your heart held dear out pure desperation and love and fear.
I am saying this because in my mind I am thinking of me when I remembered this. Not because I want to. Just that sometimes I have an off day and I am human and I hurt too. And I hope that you know that you are not alone. And as I mentioned we search and read but even though I get tired of reading and praying the only thing that I feel can eases me In a way that I can express my frustrations and hurts, ironically is prayer.
“Father it weird to pray in a manner where I ask to cover for people who are in the same situation as me, meaning in deep hurt and feel many types of emotion. Truth be told I feel fake asking, part of me feels doubt part me feels well you haven’t bother to help me and I am here trying to ask for me and others. I do know that feeling like this is not ok that I have read enough to know when someones spirit is crushed. That there is numbness that you can get away from. That you don’t care enough if you wake up or not. That we can’t understand what in the world it means you are sovereign. That hearing of your will be done and relating that to what has happened I can’t understand you Father. I am thinking of people just sitting in their couch or bed just sitting as I am now, a blank stare some forcing them self to get up an go because that’s what they have been told, and have but after a bit they crash down. I ask father what are you doing Lord. Many are here in this spot awaiting a sign a word, healing. Now I don’t have the strength, but I have seen me in better days strengthen in you by you. I have manage to pick up your word and felt a new life outlook given to me. I know now that I have to build on solid foundation and not sand and this I speak for myself because I don’t know what others trials might be. But I do ask that you see that you see their hearts that you in your ways give them the hope to see you because right now they see hurt. That you Lord personally embrace us not direct us to reading not to say I have it working for your good but that at this moment what we need most is that you see we are hurting that you acknowledge there’s pain. With that being said that you give us the hope to believe. To have faith to have strength to know hey I’m hurting now but I’m not always and I have god to remind me that he gives me strength. How some might ask where is the strength where is the faith where is this hope because I am broken I look at me I have nothing left. And I understand that more than anything, so listen when I started writing this post I was feeling very down but knowing that in my own weird way and style of prayer am asking God to take notice of us to give you something to hold on too, kinda makes me feel better. Hold on don’t give up things hurt but hang on know that your pain and hurts right know suck and you’re not alone though it feels like it. use this to talk to me to God to a friend let it out . thank you Father amen”