Hello everyone, it has been a long time, since I made an entry. Hope you all find yourselfs in good health.

Prayers often times seem unanswered. In my personal journey I know times I have given up, cursed a storm, doubted, taunted, challenged God, bargain. It is the desperation and anxiety along with anguish and helplessness that drive some to these moments or I should say me, I cant speak for everyone.

“God help me!” Are words, cries and yells all to familiar to me.

Many nights I cried out to God, in hopes of a miracle. Wishing to waking up and “it” magically be “fix”. As I opened my eyes and realized that the night before I pleaded my case and asked and asked and waking up with a heavy soul…still.

I am sure you have heard that God answers prayers: yes, no, not now. However you want to intepret these is a self searching journey to specific answers you are searching for. Yet that’s not how we all think and it’s harder for some than others. the reality is those answer are confidential between you and God untill the moment you are called to share.

You have to let go of what is pulling you to one thing. And no I have not mastered it nor will I ever but we can humble ourselves and ask God for help. He will know your heart and in the end that is what really matters the he knows and therefore he will do what you need.

Its not the easiest: marriages, relationships, children, pregnancy, financials, schools, abuse, addictions and many many more. We all plea to god for help some find him when everything is lost and he finds you he calls you to him.

Prayers are answered according to his will. what I have in my experience as a chriatian in my 4 years is: Not my way, not how I magined, not my timing but has answered In A way that just fits in with life and not how I ever thought. The out comes vary and I cant answer for God or to you but just give you my own account and it serves as a reminder to myself when I doubt in my heart for a dream and desire I feel he blessed me with in his timing. I will continue to ask but now I hope and will try and remind myself to do it with trust.

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I always wanted to write or put it into context what the love of god for us is. but really what the love of god is for a person one on one. I need to hear this myself even as i write because at times I am in disbelief or unsatisfied with the common answers and I find no peace. I can’t relate to god as I am now but i did have a dream a while ago and it was the warmest feeling i got when i think of god.

I was in a place all dark can’t call it a room because I didnt notice walls just darkness but theres light that I can see my self. And there he was god a figure whos face i cant make out but human looking like me,two feet, two arms, fingers, hair, eyes, in his image I am reflected.

I am broken in pain and i need answers something to explain it all. And i asked why whats the point and my voice raises and is a shout and becomes yelling and he starts to walk away from me not angry not mad no malice just warmth from him. I am angry as he walks away i start to follow him chasing him but i cant catch up.

Finally in a leap of faith to catch him my hand reaches out to his. I did not notice that his hand was extended searching for mine. As I clamp his hand I see my hand is not that of a man anymore but that of child.

My thoughts are the same but soon start to fade I cant remember anger or why I was mad. His hand swings me over to him and soon i noticed that he is carrying me as one does a child on his side.

I feel safe I don’t know much of anything now just that I am with this man I called and feel he’s my father. He spins me around a few times and we are laughing I dont know why I am so happy that I have tears I see he does too but we are both laughing playing.

Thats it. nothing else matter I didn’t know what had happened or where I was going or who i even was I just felt safe, warm, happy I was with this man and all I knew was he loved me so much that he was just as happy I was with him as I was he was with me.

You see I dont know much about theology and today is a very hurtful day. I wanted to be mad and sad. Thought that id writte that maybe id help others (be selfess a servant for god) but it kinda had an effect I didnt expect I am crying as I write this because I feel it that God really does love me that I dont understand the troubles hurts pains That I am dealing and that he doesn’t see that. he sees me and i cant explain it but imagine someone looking at you and knows everything of you your most intimate detail and things you would not share. And you cant hide.

Closes thing I can say is when adam and eve were trying to hide but you cant really hide from god its an embarrassment and yet humility he sees YOU and think on the word “you” in its entirety.

When he places his sight on you and you feel his warmth nothing matters you just want to stay there by his side safe. It reminded just now writing this having someone love you unconditionally. And not knowing why not even caring. even me feeling that I dont desserve to feel this love its there and having that feeling where he picked me up and was happy i was with him.

I dont know how to apply this to teachings or theology or what not. I have told this dream a few times but I have not bawled as I have today and I have never felt what the love of god could be as today. You know what he really does love us I can promise you we make him happy when we searched for him. He waited for me in that dark room and I never thought about like that before I always saw my self in that room but “I” had to get there he was already there alone waiting in the dark for me to show up.

Look you might be going through some of the worse things in your life right now. And you might have cried out to god. “God where are you” I can tell you he has always been there waiting for you.

No, I am not telling you about why he has not helped you with a specific thing in Your life or painful situationnor Why he has not made the moves you have asked for. I have asked for that aswell but today what I wanted to tell you and ended up surprised myself was what his love for you will feel like and this is my encounter but one that you could read and interpret. There was no situation and no matter how much i wanted to yell and tell him my hurts and pains rught now today how i am feeling, his warmth and embraced was louder than anything to the point where I no longer remembered anything but that he is the person I felt safe as he carried me and knew as my father. Knew that his love for me was as big as my love for him as child holds a parent humanly speaking.

Have a blessed day

Hi, I hope all of you are doing well and if you are feeling gloomy…your not alone. But strenght in numbers so just read along.

I knew this day was coming it was creeping along. Same thing happened last year. Today while at work either in a moment of normalcy I got this thought: “you know there’s like a holiday almost every month”. I cant live dreading everyone of them.

I am not going to give you cliches of doing valentines for yourself and new starts and all that. Because the truth is it sucks no matter how many layers or new inventions people try to add to masque the painful truth that you are not celebrating valentines with the person that meant so much to you.

However I realized that hey Christmas just passed; me and jesus had our party hats on but you werent there. New years, hey so its 12 and i want too…oh your not here.

This doesnt mean things end. Its been three years for me. I am human and at times it hits hard. I realized that, I felt bad last christmas and valentines and ect. I know whats coming now but rather than just wallop in a destructive evening for my self. Just take it for what it is. A day for love where couples are doing that.

It doesnt mean you are done it means right now you are not there. You are not banned or kicked out of the holiday club. Right now you are taking the time to weather the storm. I do value the sentiment behind Valentine’s and its something that I am willing to go out on limb for because if there is a person who is willing to see you and Invest in you i want to give my best. And not just valentines but through out remember that after Valentine’s is st. Patrick’s.

Some of you might have had a tradition for that and now it’s just different. Take the best things that bettered your life and for the time being better yourself. Accept that this holiday is one I will again rejoice. Don’t lose hope weather you are in The midst loneliness, trying to work things out, standing for your marriage or healing from divorce. Time moves forward and many more holidays will come dont exclude yourself or swear them off but if you must just take the day for that a day know that yes its a holiday it was something and right now I accept that at the moment i am not ready to participate but its not forever.

I constantly bicker back and forth with God, and as frustrated as i get realize that time moved forward and i felt he listened. Although truth be told im here hoping papa will act sometimes (comedic relief delivered). Its a struggle but build that relationship the little time I have I cant say how but I feel different. Well like I have solid ground if that makes sense. Take care everyone

Hi, it’s been a few. I hope you all are in good shape.

Truthfully I have nothing. I have reached out to our father and my head and heart have a lot going on that his words, guidance and help are what I need.

Maybe that is the purpose of this short entry. No matter how much you search for testimonials, videos, sermons, ect it doesn’t replace that time with just you and God. No matter the circumstances. Just truely be you and from the heart speak to our father.

Have a good night everyone, anyone.

So I had this day dream of a pastor who speaks to his congregation, he tells them he no longer believes. I just so happen to be in the area as this was a public gathering and on Lookers where able to look or sit for the event. In the midst of the announcement. The confuse and sad expression of the people seem to spread to one another in hopes of an explanation.

But there was none. Not because he didn’t have one but for their sakes. He didn’t want to influence their thoughts and some of the members knew this, yet his declaration was enough to awaken doubt in many of them.

As I heard this, somehow I ended on the stage with the pastor, mic in hand I began to speak…

Hi, I am not part of your church let alone belong to one but I did come to know God three years ago from a place where I called my self atheist. No only that but advocated the non-existence of God. I argued with Christian and for some hope to plant a seed of doubt. I felt self righteous at the knowledge I can give to denounce God, discredit him.

In part deep down I hoped that one of these people I debated would or could show me different, introduce me to God. They didn’t.

GOD introduce himself, he accepted the condescending invitation offering his other cheek in case I needed to let go some more.

This Is not about my testimony but rather to answer some questions that are written on your expressions, including you pastor.

“If God, is good and omnipotent why does he allow all the evil in the world. Children been kill, people been rape, murdered and used. Deceitfulness, lies, evil and what about the prayers of those in need”

There’s a passage where Jesus says “hypocrite” due to the nature of the Pharisees. So I tell you are you hypocrites, for you do not care so much of the well being of the world or weeping of those you don’t know. Instead the root of your condemnation against God sounds more or less like “YOU(god) did not do what I want and prayed for”. Many have prayed over and over asked and pleaded. After a while you lose hope, faith and trust.

God is supernatural, just, and fair sometimes I my self don’t see it I question it I doubt. What brings me peace is the thought that Jesus was the example to follow the best we can as humans if we all did as such, things could be a bit different. But we also have the gift to live our own life and this get out of hand. And in whatever way God needs to sort it out with the design he has he will for your good and those that are involved. It’s painful and seems unfair. He could have stop that cancer save that marrige help that child. We are his representative here if we act like his son we act in the image of God who would we blame when the example set before us is selfless, and love. However we behave of our own accord. not to say God will not perform miracles, but he knows when why where etc. Keep god in your heart and thoughts just knowing he is present is full-filling.

Be honest with you’re self before you bring the problems of the world and present them to God as if to tempt to tarnish to diminished to shame him and you pretend to be the benevolent being who’s truly hurt. Because the reason might be ” I asked and you didn’t answer, I asked and you didn’t deliver” therefore if there is a god he is not a good God.

One thing I am learning it doesn’t work on your merit you can be good follow his will it doesn’t pardon you from life. But what it does is truly full fill you knowing you acted in kindness and graceful. No it doesn’t mean you get taken advantage of but you forgive move on. It doesn’t mean you allow harm to be done you have a life God gave you to care for. It also doesn’t mean God doesn’t answer prayer but that’s not for me to say or give n answer to that between you and God. You give thanks with all your heart though when what your heart yearned he confirmed.

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